


Empty Spaces

by QuillWinters



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Background Relationships, Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, HYUNSUNG, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Roommates, Seo Changbin-centric, Soft Seo Changbin, Texting, Tissue Warning, lonely seo changbin, minchan, post-death, seunglix, this is just changbin being sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28190292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuillWinters/pseuds/QuillWinters
Summary: It had been a month since Jeongin's death. Sometimes Changbin couldn't even get out of bed. After being so in love in the apartment they shared, moving out was too hard. But every little thing reminded him of what he didn't have anymore.Changbin does things in twos. He always has, never being alone like he is now.Warnings: general sadness and grief and depression, ever so slight suicidal mentions but nothing seriously considered.
Relationships: Seo Changbin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Empty Spaces

**Author's Note:**

> This is not very editted, please excuse any mistakes. Most of this was written at 2 am, so its not going to be perfect.

Changbin woke up to a streak of light coming in through a crack in the blinds, landing perfectly on his eye. He grumbled and rolled over to grab the cold blankets next to him in his too large bed. The bed had been perfect when he first bought it, the perfect size for two young men to cuddle close at night, even if it was way too hot to be so close. But now the bed was cold and empty, the kind of cold that will rise up from the blankets and settle into his chest for the rest of the day.

Finally, he couldn’t stand it and sat up in bed. The room was still dark, and silent except for Changbin’s own breaths. He swung his legs over the side and felt the cold floor of his apartment. He hissed quietly, not wanting to wake up the empty space on the cold side of the bed. 

He waddled quietly across the floor to the shades, and opened them all the way, temporarily blinded. He blinked his eyes open to watch the few people walking on the sidewalks. It was late morning, so some businessmen, school children, and a few couples walked below. He used to love sitting in the window with someone and people watch. Wondering about the lives of the small figures below. 

The sun was bright, but not as bright as it used to be when it radiated from someone sitting nearby, laughing at a corny joke with eyes that sparkled in the morning light. 

He turned away and crossed his bedroom, creaking the door open and following the short hallway to the kitchen, which was slightly dirty. Maybe he should ask the lamp to help him sweep the floors later. He shuffled over to the cabinet and grabbed two mugs, and then put one back. A quick moment later, he started up the kettle to heat the water for his tea. He reached and grabbed a packet of tea from the box, which sat innocently next to the box of hot cocoa. The box of hot chocolate had three packets left, as it had for the past month. 

No one was around to remind Changbin to stop the kettle before it got hot to drink, it was only when it started screaming did he remember. The screams reminded him of someone else. He quickly turned it off and poured the steaming water into his mug, a considerable amount left. Changbin always overestimated how much water he needed for one cup. He added the tea and waited for it to brew. It was just black tea, so he let it sit for a few minutes before he pulled the tea bag out and blew on it to cool it off.

He didn’t take a second mug back to the bedroom, because there was no one there waiting for a morning hot chocolate. It's not like he could hand the pillows a steaming cup and it would reply “thank you” with a sleepy smile and almost drop the mug as he started to fall back asleep. 

His phone pinged, pulling him out of his head and away from things that could never happen anymore.

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Hey Bin! You awake yet?**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Yes, unfortunately**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Good to hear**

**Just checking on you - Is it a bed day or a couch day?**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**I’m up. Made some tea.**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Pics or it didn’t happen**

Changbin sighed and turned his phone camera on. His face shining on the screen reminded him to go to sleep earlier, even his eye bags have eye bags. He didn’t feel like smiling when no one was next to him, smiling brighter than the sun. He snapped a picture where he was noticeably to the left of the frame, and sent it off to Chan. 

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Here.**

**[image attached]**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Good!! That’s good!! You feeling up to hanging out with the guys?**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Not today**

Not ever, it felt like. Would he ever get better?

**_Daddy Channn_ **

**That’s okay, but check in the group chat! We miss you in there!!**

Does Chan really miss him, or is the group chat two people too silent, as Changbin hadn’t opened it for a month. Chan was the only person he ever texted, and even then would leave him on read for days when reaching over to check his phone was just too much for him. 

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**I’ll think about it**

**_Daddy Channn_ **

**That’s all I ask ^-^**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Please don’t**

Someone else used to use emoticons every chance he got. In fact, it was one of the last things he sent. 

**_Daddy Channn_ **

**Right, sorry**

He sighed as he put his phone away without checking the group chat. He would have to scroll down to where another chat lay silent, and he wasn’t ready yet. 

He decided to watch a movie. Something simple, comforting. Not romantic. He didn’t need anything romantic today. He collapsed onto the couch, and turned Netflix on with the remote that was always where he left it, and never ended up in obscure places that he never placed it. There were two notable dips in the couch, and he planted himself in the slightly deeper one that sat to the left. 

“What do you wanna watch?” He asked the ottoman. He didn’t receive good advice. 

After several minutes of flipping through movies that always had a romantic subplot, he settled for a classic - Home Alone. It was December, even if no one had decorated the apartment while Changbin slept, just to surprise him and kiss him breathless underneath the well placed mistletoe. Chan had tried to convince him to get a tree this year, but he declined. No one would decorate it. 

The movie started and Changbin tried to focus on that instead of the faint vibrations of his phone. Then he watched the second movie, and then the third. By then, he had created a nest out of four blankets, three pillows, and one person. Only one. 

When the credits rolled by, Changbin gave in. He was feeling well that day, and who knew when he would feel remotely alive enough to text his friends again. So he grabbed his phone and scrolled through the chats. 

Jisung reminding him to eat yesterday. 

Felix offering to cook for him a few days ago.

Hyunjin asking if he needed someone to stop by and clean a bit, a week ago. 

The same offer from Seungmin, two weeks ago.

Minho offering to take him to a new coffee store three weeks ago. 

  
  


And finally, Changbin telling Jeongin to drive safely dated almost exactly a month ago. 

He tapped on the chat below, where Hyunjin and Jisung were discussing the ethics of throwing cats with buttered toast tied to their backs. 

**_Slutdrop_ **

**But toast lands butter side down!!!!**

**_Quokka_ **

**I mean if you want to borrow one of Minho’s cats, your welcome to ask**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**yes Hyunjin, ask :)**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**no thanks I choose life**

**_Quokka_ **

**coward**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**You wanna say that to my face?**

**_Quokka_ **

**bet.**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**I don’t know if they are fighting or making out rn**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**Knowing them, probably both**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**Update: he said it to my face**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**Good boy, Ji**

**_Quokka_ **

**im uncomfortable**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Me too mate**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**Minnie stop flirting with my boyfriend**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**make me.**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**MOVING ON - has anyone seen Seunglix**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**They are cuddling and very cute and I shall not interrupt them**

**_Quokka_ **

**Not to alarm anyone, but I just checked and Bin is online**

**_Daddy channn_ **

**Bin !!!!**

**You finally listened and got online !**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**Bin? Hello!!!!**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**Changbin lurking? How nice of him**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Hey guys.**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**BINNNNIIIEEEEE HELOOO I MISS YOU**

**PLEASE LOVE ME BACK**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**Oop imma go disturb Seunglix, they need to be here**

**_Quokka_ **

**I actually started crying I am so happy to see you online Bin! We all missed you!!**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Thanks.**

**_Pupper_ **

**Hey Changbin, nice to hear from you**

**_Brownie Boy_ **

**BINNIE I MISS YOU SO MUCH AS SOON AS YOU WANT I WILL BE AT YOUR APARTMENT WITH BROWNIES JUST SAY THE FUCKING WORD**

**_Daddy Channn_ **

**Watch your mouth, Lix. But also yeah as soon as you are ready, we would love to see you.**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Not right now, maybe soon.**

**_Slutdrop_ **

**As soon as you want us, we will be there!!**

**_Quokka_ **

**^^**

**_Chan’s Kitten_ **

**yes Bin, we are always here for you**

**_Baby Binnie_ **

**Thanks guys, I’m gonna leave now**

**_Pupper_ **

**Rest well Bin, and don’t be afraid to reach out to us!**

His phone continued blowing up with a similar sentiment, but his tears were too thick to read anything. His friends, who were nothing but perfect, missed him. He was hurting them by closing himself off. His tears fell faster. 

He only ever hurts people. 

Texting had become so hard, every little thing reminded him of a time before. Jeongin’s little emoticon faces (which were the last thing he sent Changbin), the silly nicknames which hadn’t changed since their maknae had changed them all last spring. Seungmin, who was now the youngest, but no one ever called him the maknae. 

His thoughts kept spiraling, and he was sobbing now. He clutched the blanket with a visceral grip, practically screaming his pain into the soft fabric. Did the blankets still smell like Jeongin, or was it wishful thinking? No one pulled him into their chest and rubbed circles into his back, kissing the top of his head as he whispered “it’s okay Binnie. My big baby. It’s okay to cry, I’ve got you”

The phantom touches from the memory egged him onward, gasping breaths shortening, vision completely blurred, with a deep pounding in his head and an aching chest. Oh, how he longed for the young boy, more than ever. 

Deep breaths. In and out, slow and deep like he taught you. Focus on the world around you.

His empty mug, the stain in the carpet, candy wrapper, Changbin’s old leather jacket, the Walmart lamp. 

The music from a movie that had auto played, cars outside, his own steady breathing, sirens in the distance.

The soft couch, fluffy blanket, and silky pillowcase. 

Changbin’s cologne. Maybe, faintly, Jeongin’s cologne. 

The bitter aftertaste of the tea. 

His breathing closer to under control and brain somewhat cleared, he checked the time. 

A quarter to seven, time for dinner. Belatedly, he realized he had forgotten to eat lunch. Whatever, it’s not like it really mattered now. He could eat a little extra for dinner, no big deal. 

With shaky fingers, he pulled up an app on his phone and looked through the many options. Salads, soups, steaks, pasta. Breakfast at night, tacos, smoothies. 

“What do you want to eat?” Changbin croaked, listening to the silence that only appeared a month ago.

He decided on a salad and a soda, barely stopping himself from adding a club sandwich and a second soda. But it’s okay, because he’s eating something other than Chinese take out and ramen, which Chan always reminded him that he needed to eat something more or he would never grow taller. 

Changbin couldn’t bring himself to care about growing taller, or about the future at all. What was the point, even, when there was no one waiting for him with a bright smile and a teasing joke about his sleeping habits. No one would send him weird emoticons at four in the morning, or call him ‘baby binnie’, or bring home a bird with a broken wing and try to help it. He felt like he couldn’t breath sometimes, thinking about moving on and forgetting everything. He just wanted everything to end. 

Of course, he would never take his own life. As much as Changbin sometimes wanted to fall asleep and never wake up, the faces of his friends still haunted his dreams. Felix’s wailing sobs when he found out about the accident. The emptiness that had filled Minho for weeks, maybe even lingered now. Chan didn’t sleep for days, only closing his eyes when he collapsed of exhaustion. Seungmin would spend his days outside, coming back with bloody knuckles and puffy red eyes. Jisung holding his knees in a corner, gasping for breath as Hyunjin was uncharacteristically silent, only crying when he thought the other boys couldn’t see. No matter what happened, Changbin could never do that to them, couldn’t bear to be the reason they were like that again. 

So instead, he slowly wasted away inside his apartment, even as the rent became too much for him. He wouldn’t leave, not while he could sometimes still smell the younger boy, still see the evidence he had lived here. Sometimes Changbin could trick himself into believing the boy would walk through the door any second, a bag of groceries in one hand and his Star Wars key chain in the other. 

The doorbell rang. Jeongin never rang the doorbell, who could be at the door?

He shuffled lethargically over to the door and opened it to reveal a young teen girl in a mostly black uniform, holding a plastic bag. 

“One caesar salad, and one diet coke?” She chirped pleasantly. 

“Uh, yeah. Right, thanks,” Channgbin said eloquently. 

She nodded and pushed the bag into his hands, smiled again, and then danced off back down the hall. Changbin stood still for a few seconds before stepping back into his apartment and setting the bag on the counter. 

**_BabyBinnie_ **

**I’m having a salad and soda for dinner.**

**_Daddy Channn_ **

**Nice! Im glad you are eating healthy**

**Message us if you want, we loved to hear from you**

Changbin didn’t reply, just pulled out his food and sat down on the couch. His laptop caught his attention, semi-hidden under a sweatshirt but still charging, right where Changbin left it a few days prior. He opened it and input his password, so it opened up on the song he had been working on. 

While someone else might call it a love song, Changbin called it painful. He had written the lyrics last summer, planning on giving it to his boyfriend for his birthday. Now, he composed each verse as a gift to himself, each line a reminder of what he could have had. Of what he used to have. 

If a few tears fell as he worked, no one would know. And if it was a torturous mix of joyful and painful sounding, then that just meant Changbin had successfully captured the emotions in his heart. 

A few minutes later, almost four hours had passed. His salad and drink were long finished, the song was inching closer towards being done, and Changbin was fighting to keep his eyes open. He sighed and gave up, saving the program and closing his laptop, listening carefully to the total silence in the room around him. 

He snuck into his room and fell onto the freezing cold blankets. He didn’t bother to shower, or even change his clothes. Maybe tomorrow, it’s not like anyone is around to point out that he smelled like a dead fish, and that he would be denied cuddles until he washed the sweat out of his hair. Even if he was half asleep, he always took care of Changbin. 

Instead, he curled into himself in the bed was too large and too cold, with the pillow that still smelled like a different man’s shampoo, and the city outside the curtains he never closed again. In the morning he would wake up to a face full of sunshine, but that was really all he wanted anymore. 

He just wanted his sunshine back.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So, this is me way of coping with death in my own life, and just a way to refocus on the projects that I really should be working more on. I hope you all enjoyed, and I'm sorry if I made you cry. (I may have crying a little while writing this)
> 
> To anyone confused: Changbin and Jeongin were dating, and lived in an apartment together. Jeongin died in a car wreck a month before this story. 
> 
> If I'm bored later, I may write a prequel or something, just Jeongin and Changbin being in love before this happens. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
